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Friday, March 28, 2003
Yesterday I had a very important thing to do and it turned out to be a complete disaster. At 3:30 Friday, I sang an audition at the University of South Florida in Tampa. As most of you know, I've been preparing this year to do a Master's program in Voice, taking lessons and the Diction classes I would have needed to take as an Undergraduate vocal student. I was totally prepared. I don't think I was ever so prepared for anything in my musical life. I went up to school Thursday in order to sing in my teacher's studio voice class, to practice singing in front of people. My heart was pounding but I was able to calm myself and do my thing. I did pretty well and I was happy about it.
I thought that my big problem for the audition would be shoes. I have these comfy shoes that I thought I would like to wear during the audition and some new, beautiful not quite as comfy shoes and that was my dilema- which shoes to wear- would my feet hurt and take away from my concentration while I sang? Little did I know that the real dilema would actually be the fact that the accompanist playing for my audition really didn't know how to play the piano that well. Needless to say, this was a problem. She couldn't play my music and she made the experience a difficult one for me. Although I sang the best I could, I was not given the opportunity to shine in the best possible light. I spent all of the rest of yesterday, overnight and a bit of today really being upset about this. But as it turns out, today would bring other things to be upset about.
My aunt Ofelia who is 87 years old or so is in bad shape once again. Many of you know that last year in June, she fell and had to have this whole top of femur replacement thing. Well somehow these last few days she's been in a quite a bit of pain and when my Dad took her to the doctors office to see what the deal was, they discovered that the bone hadn't healed. What's confusing is that this whole time, after she went through therapy was walking around, and the doctor was saying, oh it's healing, you're doing great, and then all of the sudden, this week his brother says (also an orthopedic surgeon) oh no, it's not healed at all. I saw this doctor today while I was in the ER with her and he not only spilled coffee on me, but left the distinct impression on me that he's being dishonest and something's not right. I smell a rat and I'm an extremely good judge of character. Anyway, the real point of this whole situation is that my aunt, my parents and my family agree that the best thing for her is to have a total hip replacement surgery again. Now we're talking about a person whose heart works at a 30% capacity. This is not a good starting point. But she insists that she wants to have the surgery, regardless of the risks. She is very clear minded and we pointed out all of the obstacles, consequences, everything. Last June when she had the surgery, we weren't really sure she would make it out alive. But she did. I don't know if she'll make it through again but honestly, I really feel like she's the one who'll be deciding that. I really feel like if her spirit really wants to continue living on earth, she'll get through it. If her spirit says, you know what? I'm done, going home now, well then, she'll pass on. I'm okay with all of this except for the part where I know that I'll miss her so terribly. She will be so missed when she decides to go. The difficult part is for the rest of us who stay behind.
If any of you who read this pray, I would appreciate it if you would pray for my aunt Ofelia. She is a person of great faith and she always draws strength from it.
I've been sleeping really badly the last few days and I thought that it's probably because of the audition on Friday, and then last night I slept even worse. When I was sleeping, I was going over the music in my head over and over. When I would wake up, I would feel terrible about how badly it went. Then I'd go to sleep, and I'd be rehearsing my songs again. I guess that what bothers me an awful lot is that being totally prepared wasn't enough. As a friend yesterday put it, you can't control what other people do. That's absolutely true.
Monday, March 24, 2003
So many things have been going on in my head these last few days, most of them comparisons to how things used to be in my world and how they are now.
I just got off the phone with one of my closest friends since high school and we were talking about the war. We were probably sophomores in high school when the U.S. headed in Saddam's direction the first time. I remember that after school my dad would pick me up and when we'd get home, we'd turn the TV on to watch the war. I remember just watching all of that feeling so far removed, so emotionless, so much more like oh wow, that's cool. There's something to be said for growing up. In recent days as I've watched all I feel is sadness. With each one of the explosions they televise or pictures of American POWs, I feel worse, almost traumatized. And I'm not even in Iraq. All I can think of is what it would be like to be me, a woman, living in Iraq, having all of this going on around me. Or leaving my town in order to escape bombing. I couldn't help but draw a parallel to how horrible I felt when I watched the WTC come down. I feel bad that we're hurting other people's buildings and people now, regardless of whether the U.S. is right or wrong. I feel all of this in a more human sense right now. Even though I can't see them on CNN I think alot about the people. Once in my life I totally wanted to attend the Air Force Academy and fly planes. In fact, I still want to fly planes, just not military ones! I really can't imagine what it must feel like for the U.S. troops to be in that region, and I can't imagine being the family member of one back here in the U.S.
This weekend Martin and I went away for a short weekend break to Orlando. Since December, I had wanted to go to these two new malls that they built in Orlando off of I-4. We stayed on International Drive, which is near Sea World and Universal. It was nice to get away and be in a different environment all together. The malls did not disappoint. We finally have a Macy's around. (Still two hours away but things come slowly to my part of the world, here in retirement land.) It was beautiful. I will certainly be back. At the nice outlet mall I visited Salvatore Ferragamo, found myself an excellent pair of shoes. It was a lovely, relaxing break.
With the rest of my time, I've been doing a lot of singing. The semester will be over in a month and I think that I've made quite a lot of progress. It's so nice because after the car accident I had in '99, it was an uphill battle with me and singing. My body wouldn't cooperate. Everything hurt, even when I tried to breathe. Couldn't hold myself up properly. Things are starting to finally come together. I'm looking forward to working on this more over the summer and next academic year. My teacher is really great and we have a good working relationship. I had a great working relationship with my last teacher as well, but I feel bad now because she had to deal with me when I was such a total mess. I think back and it must have been equally if not more frustrating for her. I am so glad that I am feeling better these days.
